Hahah, I feel like this is such a rhetorical question. But I do want to say something about it.
It’s true that did still love him after the break up. Now, not so much after long talks with close friends and thinking about myself. I am feeling so free and blessed day by day. It’s a gradual process. I am still growing.
At the time, it’s easy for me to say that I love him because he was someone who I thought I could trust my body and who I am with. I do also think that I thought he was “the only guy” who accepted who I am inside and out, and especially on the outside because I was normally body/appearance conscious. I didn’t feel insecure at first until I spent a year and a couple of months being his girlfriend. I thought if I was more patient with him, then things will change, but he just abuses my patience and kindness towards him. I let him know multiple times before the breakup that he needs to be more respectful, but he sweet talks his way out by saying “I know I have a lot to work on” or “I understand”. I do think it’s naiive for me to think that love can change people- it’s not always the case, and it probably won’t be for him.
It’s really easy to fall into that dark part of my mind where it’ll go “If only I was this, or that, then he wouldn’t have to lust for others.” There were few times where I was tempted/wanted to hurt myself physically or just wanted to die because I thought that I wasn’t good enough for him. But no. I don’t have to believe that. And I don’t want to. I have so much to live for! How he sees people that he wants to sexually hook up with says more about him than what I lacked.
Now it’s easier for me to move on because I don’t want us to contact anymore. If I continue being his friend, then it enables him to think that whatever he did/does to me is a-okay. And I don’t want him to think that he can treat any future girls that way either, so I hope that leaving him would let him think super hard about how he considers people. He thinks love and friendship means to really hurt somebody and still expect the person to give unconditional love.
I do not regret anything to be honest. I loved the times we shared and listen to his music and his friends’ music. Having his friends talk to me about art was good as well. I appreciated the new people I met through him who are GOOD to me who I would still like to keep in touch (some of his other friends, I won’t miss much and will cut contact from them as well.) I also love his family; I’m close to his mum. I really did want to share my love, but we’re not on the same page. And I thought that being friends would be okay, but it wasn’t. It felt weird and sad at first when I told him that I’m cutting him off from my life because there was that feeling of “Whoa, that’s it. It’s finally it.”
Him and his abuse doesn’t define me anymore, and it shouldn’t. That’s the past, so I think that’s why I don’t say that I regret us being together at the time.
I’m at college surrounded by loving friends, so it makes the breakup more bearable. I spend time doing art, some days playing GTA V with my roommates, every day learning to love myself, and etc. And yes, I still rant on tumblr to let off steam.
I recently broke up with him before college started, so I have a feeling that there will be times where I will miss him and cry because we’ve been together for quite a while. If only I could be an on or off switch for my feelings, then I would turn off my feelings for him. It’s not simple for me or anybody in any breakup situation because we’re people who wanted a relationship to work. And breakups in general sucks.
It will take some time for me to recover, but if it answers anything I’m not gonna get back with him at all. Just, never, haha. I don’t want to, and I’m meant for something else. I’m going to use my own time and love for better opportunities and for better people.
*Edit: Also understand that my ex has schizophrenia. I do not and will never ever blame his schizo. In the beginning, I also do not believe that my love is an answer to his mental illness (it’d be condescending if I did believe that). There were times when he was unstable, but to me, as far as I know in my honest opinion, his schizophrenia has nothing to do with his cheating habits and his lack of respect towards me and the very few people who DO care about him. I’ve mentioned in my previous rants about that. He chooses who he gets to respect based on superficial/materialistic/exclusively exterior things and how “nice” they are towards him (and nice as in “do whatever you want, even if it’s wrong, yolo hahaha” kind of bullshit). That’s why I dislike some of his friends; they don’t care what happens to him and me as a couple, but aside from that, I really didn’t like how they’re never caring about his health when it comes to drugs and his inappropriate behaviours. It’s no one’s job to look after a grown man like my ex, but if you’re going to consider yourself a friend, then do a better job to make sure that he’s okay. He ends up in the hospital whenever he’s drug/alcohol induced for God’s sake…..
I do want him to learn from this, but all he could think of is how I hurt his feelings when it comes to me teaching him how to fucking respect and really KNOW the difference between love and lust. But that’s not my job anymore, so it’s all up to him to learn things by himself.